If it will harm someone else involved, you might skip making amends. Change behavior aside, the second half of the sentence in Step 9 mentions an exception. To assist any person with Steps 8 and 9, we have created our AA Amends Script Downloadable PDF Here that you can refer to while involved in this process.
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, the person you’re trying to make amends to won’t accept it. Vanessa is certified in addictions counseling by Maryland’s Board of Professional Counselors and Therapists, with credentials as a clinical supervisor. She comes to The Freedom Center with over 14 years of direct experience in residential and outpatient treatment between the private and federal sectors.
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- This kind of personal touch can remind the recipient of the positive aspects of your relationship, making reconciliation more likely.
- Addressing past wrongs reduces the weight of guilt that often triggers relapse.
- The goal is to make right what you did wrong financially.
The Big Book of AA outlines the 12 Promises, 12 Traditions and 12 Steps to help you find long-lasting recovery from alcohol addiction. And it can be intimidating to be uncertain about how the other person will react. Researched, fact-checked and transparent articles and guides that offer addiction and mental health insight from experts and treatment professionals. Changes Healing Center is here if you need additional support besides your sponsor.
How Step 9 Of Aa Fits Into Your Recovery Journey
Pushing someone to accept an amends before they are ready can cause further harm and strain relationships. Respecting their wishes and giving them time to process the situation is crucial in this process. Indirect amends, on the other hand, may be necessary in situations where face-to-face contact is not possible or would cause further harm. This approach involves finding alternative ways to make amends, such as through a letter or a trusted intermediary. While not as direct as face-to-face amends, the goal remains to express remorse and seek forgiveness.
This is the primary goal of Step 9 and should be done whenever possible. Many people attack the ones they love when they have trauma reactions or feel other insecurities, which could explain both parties’ behaviors. Instead, cultivate compassion for all sides because shame and anger interfere with finding solutions. Identify behaviors, both yours and theirs, that hurt your relationship, but Bestdates blame no one.
Step 8 is another pivotal moment in recovery, focusing on accountability, healing, and reconciliation. It requires you to make a list of all persons you have harmed and become willing to make amends. This step is not just about apologizing—it’s about taking responsibility and preparing for meaningful change.
With restoration, you aim to bring something back to what it formerly was. If your alcoholism caused you to damage something, your goal is to restore it as much as possible. Keep in mind not everyone will have your well-being in mind. You might be healing and growing in sobriety, but that doesn’t mean everyone else is too.
Step 9 Aa
In her free time, she enjoys music, reading, and family time. Concrete examples help illustrate what amends look like in practice. If you stole money from a family member, repay the full amount or set up a payment plan. If you were absent during your children’s formative years, commit to being present now.
It’s an opportunity for healing and personal growth, fostering patience, sincerity, and openness. Sober Sidekick is here, providing a steadfast guide as you journey through Step 9 and all the steps that follow. Remember that part of making amends is demonstrating changed behavior. Even concrete steps like repaying a debt aren’t done once you hand money over; you also have to avoid betraying that person in the future.
Be specific about what you did wrong and avoid vague statements. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry for what happened,” say, “I’m sorry for forgetting your birthday and making you feel unimportant.” If you or someone you love is struggling addiction, Breakthrough Recovery Outreach in Atlanta, GA, offers programs and services than can help. Making amends can stir up old wounds, especially when the other person played a role in the pain. But by focusing on your part and letting go of expectations, you create space for peace, growth, and lasting recovery.
Making amends involves acknowledging and correcting past behaviors. It’s a transformational part of addiction recovery that takes courage, self-awareness, and a willingness to change. When you’re responsible for hurting someone you care about, it’s not always easy to make amends. You’re already taking a step in the right direction by choosing to address the situation instead of ignoring it.
Begin Your Healing Journey
These elements can make the letter feel more genuine and heartfelt. No two situations are exactly the same, so it’s important to tailor your letter to fit the specific circumstances. Personalization shows that you’re not just following a formula, but genuinely considering the other person’s feelings and the unique elements of the situation. Expressing your desire to make amends is an important step in the reconciliation process. This section should outline specific actions you’re willing to take to rectify the situation and prevent it from happening again.
Making individual amends could happen over months or years, and rebuilding trust through living amends is often a lifelong commitment. What matters is approaching the process with genuine intention rather than rushing to check items off a list. Direct amends are inappropriate when they would cause further harm to the other person or put either of you in danger. In these cases, indirect amends or living amends provide meaningful alternatives 2. If you’re ready to begin this journey but aren’t sure where to start, reach out for support.
Peer support can be an important part of sobriety for many people. This can also support your progress toward the promises of recovery. Relationships damaged by addiction or harmful behavior require the rebuilding of trust through consistent action over time. Making amends initiates this process by demonstrating commitment to different behavior. Research shows that reconnection matters more than a simple apology—people need to see change and experience your presence differently 6.
Arrange to speak with the other person – while COVID-19 has complicated this process, making amends face-to-face is encouraged. If appropriate, you can let the person know how amends are related to staying sober. However, your primary goal should be to acknowledge that you have done wrong and would like to make up for it. While there is no one set “script” for this process, there are a few key points that you should be sure to incorporate. Work with your sponsor, treatment center, and 12-Step group to determine which parts of this are right for you. The idea of making amends can stir up difficult emotions.
Many people in addiction recovery struggle with depression, anxiety, and trauma – often predating their substance abuse. Addressing the harm you’ve caused and developing a willingness to make amends doesn’t erase mental health conditions, but it removes one primary source of ongoing psychological distress. This step embodies honesty, willingness, humility, accountability, forgiveness, and courage. Each of these spiritual principles supports both addiction recovery and personal growth, extending beyond mere sobriety. During active addiction, these character defects often intensify.
